I am fully aware that we all have bad days. Days that just are stressful, a struggle and frankly we are glad with the sun goes down on them. For tomorrow, we can start again. Yesterday was not that bad day. It was an unearthing day, a day that hit me like a 2×4 and what was really weird, it wasn’t from devastating news, it was an internal mind battle.
A few days ago my husband and I got into a confrontation over something I had said awhile ago. To me it didn’t seem like that big of a deal, to him it was something that needed to be address. And the wise man that he is, is smart enough to wait, think on it and come up with a way to have a conversation about the moment. It’s a part of him I struggle with understanding. I’m the ‘call it out’, ‘let’s fix it now’ person. For him it take a lot of courage to speak out. He’s got more grace than any person I know and sometimes his massive grace keeps him silent when someone is in the wrong. But when he chooses to speak, it always throws me for a loop as it rarely happens.
When he brought the situation to my attention I was confused and immediately began defending my word choices for that day. I went on and on, and my voice got louder and louder and when he asked me why I was getting so aggressive with my tone, I flipped. Have you ever flipped? The switch just goes off and it’s real hard to dial anything back in. I ended the conversation, and it hurt him. For the next day I reeled over my ‘valid’ reactions, my ‘valid’ responses and then this horrible darkness fell over me. I must be worthless. I must be unwanted. I’m unlovable.
The thoughts that flooded into my mind the next day were somewhere I hadn’t been in over 20 years. The darkness of self loathing, self pity, shame, guilt and all the ugly that goes with it. I contemplated leaving, as I figured no one would miss me anyway, I contemplated a life of divorce, a life secluded, a life with my children taken from me, a life of being hated, unloved, I contemplated suicide for the first time in 20 years . Like I said, it was dark, ugly and felt like I was being pushed down in a black hole by a 400 lb weight.
For the past 2-3 weeks I’ve been working on a new way to study the Bible. It’s called Inductive Bible studying. It’s deep and dives into understanding the character of God and the specifics of; who, what, when, where, how and why. I have loved it and God has been faithful in revealing much through the first 17 books of Genesis. I’ve also been praying daily for my children, for God to do an amazing work in them. I’ve been journalizing the Word of God faithfully. I’ve been diving in, seeking to know Him more.
At one point in my black hole, I began contemplating running away, and I started packing my bag. As I was packing it up, I felt a whisper, “Your called to stay Emily.” So I began putting my things back, a bit forcefully and with a fair amount of attitude. I decided through the tears of the day that something deeper was happening here and I just stated, “My God is bigger than this!” and I said it quite a few times. I got in my jeep and decided maybe going for a drive might calm my mind, I’d put some worship music on and see what happens. I just started going east. Because east is good, right?! As I drove I felt a nudge to go to my home town as a child. This is where my dad is buried. For the remainder of the hour and a half drive and cried through the music and had so many memories flood back. This wasn’t running away, this was going back. As I approached the cemetery, (by the way, I’m NOT a cemetery person. I rarely go because they aren’t really there. Just their body, their spirit has gone on.) There wasn’t a person in sight. It was cloudy, chilly and it was just me and my tears. As I processed through the time there, I said things that needed to be said to my dad, my brother, my grandparents. And I came to a grand realization, cemeteries are NOT for the dead, they are for the living. I expressed my frustrations to my dad, to my brother and to my grandparents and it was so different this time. I felt them there, I felt their understanding and I felt their peace. You see THEY are no longer battling like I am. They are free from all this junk that I’m fighting, yet some of the junk I’m fighting I believe was passed from them, on down the line, the generational junk that we all have a choice to either let it consume us or we choose to give it to God and put it to an end, and that my friends it what I did in that historical beginning for me, but not the end of me.
I got in my car, and drove back home. When I got home my husband and I were able to talk this junk out. I was also able to actually listen to him, hear his heart and have peace in knowing he wasn’t trying to make me feel unwanted, he was challenging me to become a better person. For that I am grateful. After our conversation the blackness was gone. Peace settled in and the rush of the battle was dust in the wind.
A dear friend of mine made a statement to me this morning that has rattled me, it’s giving me quite a new perspective on battles. When I told her of my horrible day, she said she was excited, because she knew REDEMPTION was coming for me. So these bad days we have, really bad, unearthing bad days are signs of tides are about to change. When the waters are rough, when we are called to get out of the boat and walk on water, as Peter did, we must remember that our God is not only going to provide the way, He is the Creator of the water, the boat, the person walking and the Protector and Guide of it all.
Be brave friends.