Hiatus…..

Yes I had to Google how to spell hiatus…. that’s me, a bad speller… honest… no front needed.  I can pretend that I have it all together, but I don’t, never have and never will… None of us will.  Insert “God”.  He is the ONLY reason I make it through the chaos of life without loosing my mind…. He is my hope….

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. ~Romans 12:12

OK, back to hiatus….. Honestly, I lost my password to log in, it took me almost 6 months to figure out how to shut off the level 2 security on this website so I could log in.  So, I’m back and boy do I have a lot to talk about…. But one thing at a time 😉  Where to start?

Speaking of hiatus, I dropped my oldest child off to college last week.

hiatus

[hahy-ey-tuh s]
noun, plural hiatuses, hiatus.
  • 1. a break or interruption in the continuity of a work, series, action, etc.
  • 2. a missing part; gap or lacuna:  Scholars attempted to account for the hiatus in the medieval manuscript.
  • 3. any gap or opening.

I’m trying to figure this thing out…. this change, this I don’t know how he’s doing, I don’t know what he’s doing, I don’t know his friends, I don’t know what he’s eating, I don’t know if he’s taking care of himself, is he going to classes, is he being safe, is he in pain, is he sad, is he ok?…..

IS HE OK?…..

It’s such a brutal change.  Nothing can prepare you and to all the moms that have went through this ahead of me, I’m so sorry for not getting it…..

Over the past year I could tell he was becoming a bit more distant, a bit more busy, a bit more not around.  He was putting distance between us on purpose, just to try to ease the transition.  We fought more this past year than any other year.  He pushed me more, he argued with me, he broke some rules and we butted heads more than ever.  It was hard.  We had some pretty bad fights, losing tempers, screaming at each other….. but we love each other…. we both knew this change was going to be beyond tough….. you see…. he’s my buddy, he’s my first-born, he’s my friend….

He has this protector personality and is as giving as they come….. Always worrying about others and helping take care of those in need…. He is one of those kids that is so in tuned to people’s feelings that he just knows when you need a hug….. I miss that….. I miss that so much.  I am selfish with him, I have over protected him and I have hovered for far too long….

You see we started out as just that…. WE…. Just me and him against all odds… could we ever make it out of that tiny trailer and make anything of ourselves… could I escape my minimum wage pool job….. I was a single mom just trying to give him a safe and loving world to grow up in and trying to finish college with a baby…. Could I do it?  I had too……. I had too…

It has been such a ride…. such a glorious ride…. Now a family of 5; dad, myself, our son and 2 girls, but all along we know where we started and we have seen first hand what amazing things God can do in a person’s life, in families’ lives….. To Him all glory….

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. ~Isaiah 40:31

The irony in this verse(beyond the fact it’s been my favorite since my son was born)…. 2 months ago my son had a fainting spell… very scary, lots of worry. He went through numerous tests to make sure nothing was wrong with his heart…. heart monitor, EKGs, ECHO, MRI… You see, he has a track scholarship… So, we reached out to every person we could this past 2 months and asked them to pray for him!  He could lose his scholarship…. or so I thought.  After a month of worrying I finally broke down and called his coach and told him what was going on.  I put my hope in the Lord knowing full well this could be the end of his scholarship and much too my surprise his response was this:

“I am so sorry you are going through this.  We will be praying for your son and you don’t need to worry about him losing the scholarship.  We recruited him for more than his athletic abilities.”

Who says that!?  What a blessing, what a relief and what a wonderful man of God! Finally 2 days before he was to head out the door and start anew at college, the doctors call and confirm that he is fine, all tests are fine!

Now we take our son to college… it has been quite a transition…. What I learned about my son this past 2 months is this; he is strong, he is brave, he is determined, he hopes in the Lord!  What more could I ask for?

So I let him go, to find himself to spread his wings like eagles and fly.  He was brought into this world in a tough situation yet he forgives, he loves and he is blessed with the gift of mercy…. He will do great things I know it….. and now I trust, I trust the God that gave him to me and I trust the God that is his father and mine.  I trust Him with his life, his choices, his struggles.  I must, I must.  This is what we spend all that time preparing for… this is what all the parenting is for… to give them wings to fly when it is time…. it is time.

So I cling to God, I cling so so very tight and I trust Him with my son.  I thank God for letting me be his guide, protector, guardian, teacher, disciplinary…. I’m sure there will be times he needs me, but it’s different, he’s going to start figuring stuff out on his own, he’s going to rely on me less….. and that’s ok…. that’s ok…. He will rely on God more and more…. hope in the Lord… hope…..

So my message today…. though hiatus may be a relatively new thing in our home we will cling to God’s sovereignty and trust that he is watching over our son.  I pray for my son and I pray for the adjustment to this ever-so-strange feeling of emptiness  that dad, the girls and I are facing….

We are focusing on the excitement for his future, the joy he will bring others as he makes new life friends and the independence and responsibility that he will learn through this process….

I will never stop being mom…. the reigns just have to be let go of….

He will find hope in the Lord.

Ironic that my son was with me when I took this picture of a juvenile bald eagle.

My son was with me when I took this picture of a juvenile bald eagle out at the lake.

“Running is Stupid”

trail runI wonder how many times in my life I’ve said “Running is stupid!”?  For those of you that think running is stupid, I use to think the same thing.  I remember the first time I went for a run, I was 11 years old.  My sister(15) said she was going for a run down the County Line, I was curious, so I asked if I could go, she said “sure”.  Now, I’m not sure if she was showing off or if I seriously was that out of shape but I HATED it!  I was sweaty, I couldn’t breath, I hurt all over and why would anyone do this willingly?  My sister was(and still is) an amazing runner.  Running long distances was something I had no desire to do.  Honestly, I didn’t get it.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.  Hebrew 12:1-2

About 5 years ago I was conversing with my sister on the phone about coming up with a “plan” to get in shape.  I was tired of feeling the way I did(low energy, fat, ugly, worthless, ate too much junk food, I just felt crappy about myself).  She mentioned running and I cringed.  She said, “That’s right, you don’t like running, maybe you can do something else?”  That simple statement put a fire in my belly.  What do you mean “I” don’t like running?  I’m the only one that can claim that “I” don’t like running!!  LOL  So in my stubbornness, I became determined to prove her wrong, I took up running.  I still wonder if she did that on purpose???  She does know me pretty well….

At first I couldn’t breath well, my joints & muscles hurt and I was so tired.  It was frustrating, it was tiring, it hurt and it sucked!  Then this amazing thing happened.  I read this:

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?  For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.  1 Corinthians 6: 19-20

and this one

Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.  1 Cor 10:31

and this one

Offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – this is your spiritual act of worship.  Romans 12:1

and this one!

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come.  2 Cor 5:17

I know I’ve read these before, but for some reason it “clicked” this time, I got it.  Running was a way I could bring glory to God and it was worship!   Taking care of my body by exercising and eating healthy was pleasing to God!  So I started running more and I started eating differently.  Each time I ran I noticed I was slowly feeling better and better, so I signed up for my first 5K race, 3.1 miles.  It wasn’t pretty, it didn’t feel good, I about pee’d my pants at the finish line, but I DID IT!!

It was after that race that I realized this running thing isn’t so much about running.  Most runners are fighting some kind of inner battle or seeking that inner peace.  For some maybe it’s stress, a broken heart, weight, physical handicap, some kind of illness or injury they are overcoming.  I’m sure even the highly competitive runners are fighting battles, trying to improve their times, strategies, trying to better themselves.  We all are trying to improve ourselves or redeem ourselves or maybe we just want to inspire someone.

This last 16 weeks I have been training to run my second 1/2 marathon(13.1 miles).  This training has been rough.  I’ve fought injuries throughout most of it.  I was assuming I would be walking most of it going into this race because my training was pretty inconsistent.  The day before the race my sweet friend sent me a picture of our shirts for the race, they simply said “COURAGE”.  It was like God hit me with a 2×4.  I had to be courageous, and with God’s strength I could do this race!  I was blessed to run this race with a very dear friend of mine.  2 other dear friends were to run with us, but God had different plans for them.  It took courage for them to decide to set this one out and spend time with their sweet families.  Sometimes God has other plans for us, He switches things up from our original plan… Anyone know what I’m talking about? 🙂

So we ran and we gave it all we had, each of us fighting our battles, working hard to meet our goals and finish the race set before us.  Around mile 9(for me) it started to lightning and rain HARD, it hailed(just pebbles for a minute, but it still hurt!).  The rain lasted about 20 minutes.  My warm muscles started to cramp up due to the cold rain and wet clothes.  The last mile of that race was hell.  It hurt trying to pick up one foot after the other.  I was afraid I was going to fall.  I prayed and prayed for God to get me to the finish line, I needed encouragement because I really just wanted to quit.  When I came around to the finish, I saw my friend who had finished ahead of me…. she started cheering me on to the finish line and jogged her tired sore legs along with me as I finished that last stretch.  I am so thankful for her, in so many ways.  I ran that whole race, I even ran it faster than my last 1/2!  We finished, We DID IT!  Isn’t God Good?!!  I can’t explain to you the feeling of finishing something like this, after all the hard work and months of training.  But I can say, emotions are high, as is pain and the tears flow freely, they seem almost healing.

This running, it’s about finishing, it’s about sticking it out when times get tough, it’s about cheering for people you know and don’t know, it’s about encouragement and family and friendships.  For me, it’s about connecting with God and my friends and becoming a better person than I was yesterday.  So this running thing…. it’s not stupid, NOT AT ALL.  It’s wonderful and it’s changed my life and taught me about perspective, perseverance, determination and much more!

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.  Philippians 4:13

So my challenge to you, let these verses sink in, really sink in:

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” Ephesians 3:20 (NLT)

“Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'” Matthew 19:26 (NIV)

What’s your impossible?

Blessings!

Runaway thoughts…

So then let’s also run the race that is laid out in front of us, since we have such a great cloud of witnesses surrounding us. Let’s throw off any extra baggage, get rid of the sin that trips us up, Hebrews 12:1 CEB

Last week I sent a text to my sister and simply asked a question, “Are we ok?”.  We hadn’t talked much that week and I felt like something was wrong, so I asked…. and I waited and waited and waited… and amazingly enough in the 3 hours I waited for a response my mind went crazy!  I started wondering what I had done to upset her?  What did I say or do?  Did one of my kids say something or do something to one of her kids?  Does she not like me anymore?  Was she just tired of dealing with me?  OH MY GOODNESS, you would have thought the world was going to end!  My mind was running in overdrive, full of negative thoughts.  My emotions got the best of me and WORRY was the captain of my ship.  Have you ever had this happen within your mind?

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.  Matthew 6:34

This week I was informed that my 1/2 marathon training must come to a stop.  Week after week I have trained, 3 miles, 4 miles, 6 miles, 9 miles and then I injured my knee.  How frustrating to get within 5 weeks of your race and find out you can’t run it, and if you do you may cause more damage.  I remember the last 9 mile run I did, I was so proud of myself for being able to do that at 38 years young.  Over the last 4 years I’ve gone from couch potato to 13.1 miles!  But was my pride getting in the way?  Was God taking a side seat to my own accomplishments?  Was I not giving Him credit?  For He is the only reason I’ve been able to do any of this.  Was this injury a punishment?  Was this another lesson?  Fear crept in and said “You’re going to get fat again if you can’t run!  You’re going to go back to the old habits, the old you!”  What if I let my friends down?  What if I can’t finish?  Will I be seen as a quitter?  And my mind takes off, a million “what if’s” come rushing in and insecurity and worry are holding me at bay.

running
Amazing isn’t it, how our minds run crazy.   I wonder why we do this to ourselves?  (Please tell me I’m not the only one that does this!?)  I am so thankful that God forgives me of my short comings and my runaway mind!!  So many times I try to figure it all out.  I try to figure out why God has me go through things, but guess what, I don’t know and I don’t need to know.  God has His reasons and I need to just follow His lead.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.  2 Corinthians 4:18 (NIV) 

God tells us not to worry, so how do you do that?  When we worry, when our minds aimlessly wander around, searching for a reason or wondering about the “what if’s”, we must stop and fix our eyes on Christ.  He can comfort us, He can calm us, He can help us FIND THE TRUTH.

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.  Psalm 28:7 

There it is, my HEART TRUSTS IN HIM.  Trust Him not just with our mind but with our HEART!

I must trust Him in my heart, whether it’s waiting on a text response from my sister or it’s an injury that changes my original plans.  Trust God and rest in his arms.  Also, let’s focus on truth when our minds start wondering.

What is true?  My sister loves me and has for the past 38 years.  She is my best friend.  She is a busy lady with 4 kids and a full-time job.  Also, I know that I have been presented with an injury.  I am thankful I have been given the option to walk/run the race.  I know that my friends love me whether I run or not.  I know that God is proud of me whether I run or not.  I know that I am blessed in many ways; family, home, food, health, etc.  I know that God has a reason for everything and things could be SOOOO much worse!  I know that God loves me, at my worst and at my best! Speaking truth to ourselves brings peace back into our hearts, minds and souls. It allows us to process more clearly and more CALMLY.

So my challenge to you is this, when you are processing through worry, STOP, speak truth, pray and don’t get tripped up, ask God to clear your mind of worry and fill your mind with truth.  Trust Him and you will be blessed.

 “But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.” Jeremiah 17:7

Have a great week!  Blessings!

P.S. My sister and I are just fine 😉  I was being a worry wart all for nothing.  I wonder how many grays and ulcers we give ourselves worrying over nothing?? Let’s try not to next time, anyone with me?