Yes I had to Google how to spell hiatus…. that’s me, a bad speller… honest… no front needed. I can pretend that I have it all together, but I don’t, never have and never will… None of us will. Insert “God”. He is the ONLY reason I make it through the chaos of life without loosing my mind…. He is my hope….
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. ~Romans 12:12
OK, back to hiatus….. Honestly, I lost my password to log in, it took me almost 6 months to figure out how to shut off the level 2 security on this website so I could log in. So, I’m back and boy do I have a lot to talk about…. But one thing at a time 😉 Where to start?
Speaking of hiatus, I dropped my oldest child off to college last week.
[hahy-ey-tuh s] noun, plural hiatuses, hiatus.
I’m trying to figure this thing out…. this change, this I don’t know how he’s doing, I don’t know what he’s doing, I don’t know his friends, I don’t know what he’s eating, I don’t know if he’s taking care of himself, is he going to classes, is he being safe, is he in pain, is he sad, is he ok?…..
IS HE OK?…..
It’s such a brutal change. Nothing can prepare you and to all the moms that have went through this ahead of me, I’m so sorry for not getting it…..
Over the past year I could tell he was becoming a bit more distant, a bit more busy, a bit more not around. He was putting distance between us on purpose, just to try to ease the transition. We fought more this past year than any other year. He pushed me more, he argued with me, he broke some rules and we butted heads more than ever. It was hard. We had some pretty bad fights, losing tempers, screaming at each other….. but we love each other…. we both knew this change was going to be beyond tough….. you see…. he’s my buddy, he’s my first-born, he’s my friend….
He has this protector personality and is as giving as they come….. Always worrying about others and helping take care of those in need…. He is one of those kids that is so in tuned to people’s feelings that he just knows when you need a hug….. I miss that….. I miss that so much. I am selfish with him, I have over protected him and I have hovered for far too long….
You see we started out as just that…. WE…. Just me and him against all odds… could we ever make it out of that tiny trailer and make anything of ourselves… could I escape my minimum wage pool job….. I was a single mom just trying to give him a safe and loving world to grow up in and trying to finish college with a baby…. Could I do it? I had too……. I had too…
It has been such a ride…. such a glorious ride…. Now a family of 5; dad, myself, our son and 2 girls, but all along we know where we started and we have seen first hand what amazing things God can do in a person’s life, in families’ lives….. To Him all glory….
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. ~Isaiah 40:31
The irony in this verse(beyond the fact it’s been my favorite since my son was born)…. 2 months ago my son had a fainting spell… very scary, lots of worry. He went through numerous tests to make sure nothing was wrong with his heart…. heart monitor, EKGs, ECHO, MRI… You see, he has a track scholarship… So, we reached out to every person we could this past 2 months and asked them to pray for him! He could lose his scholarship…. or so I thought. After a month of worrying I finally broke down and called his coach and told him what was going on. I put my hope in the Lord knowing full well this could be the end of his scholarship and much too my surprise his response was this:
“I am so sorry you are going through this. We will be praying for your son and you don’t need to worry about him losing the scholarship. We recruited him for more than his athletic abilities.”
Who says that!? What a blessing, what a relief and what a wonderful man of God! Finally 2 days before he was to head out the door and start anew at college, the doctors call and confirm that he is fine, all tests are fine!
Now we take our son to college… it has been quite a transition…. What I learned about my son this past 2 months is this; he is strong, he is brave, he is determined, he hopes in the Lord! What more could I ask for?
So I let him go, to find himself to spread his wings like eagles and fly. He was brought into this world in a tough situation yet he forgives, he loves and he is blessed with the gift of mercy…. He will do great things I know it….. and now I trust, I trust the God that gave him to me and I trust the God that is his father and mine. I trust Him with his life, his choices, his struggles. I must, I must. This is what we spend all that time preparing for… this is what all the parenting is for… to give them wings to fly when it is time…. it is time.
So I cling to God, I cling so so very tight and I trust Him with my son. I thank God for letting me be his guide, protector, guardian, teacher, disciplinary…. I’m sure there will be times he needs me, but it’s different, he’s going to start figuring stuff out on his own, he’s going to rely on me less….. and that’s ok…. that’s ok…. He will rely on God more and more…. hope in the Lord… hope…..
So my message today…. though hiatus may be a relatively new thing in our home we will cling to God’s sovereignty and trust that he is watching over our son. I pray for my son and I pray for the adjustment to this ever-so-strange feeling of emptiness that dad, the girls and I are facing….
We are focusing on the excitement for his future, the joy he will bring others as he makes new life friends and the independence and responsibility that he will learn through this process….
I will never stop being mom…. the reigns just have to be let go of….
He will find hope in the Lord.